Is it Stress?

It’s 6:30 pm on a Tuesday. You had a busy day at work. You didn’t finish that project you wanted to have done last week. You got stuck in traffic on the way home. Someone took your parking spot. You didn’t have time to go grocery shopping, so you had to throw together something less-than-ideal for dinner. You have a pile of laundry to be folded. You’re still thinking about that project. You’re stressed about how much work stresses you out. You really need to shower. Suddenly your phone rings, and your friend wants to meet up for last minute drinks. With your mind piled high, you let out an exasperated sigh and respond, “I can’t tonight, I’m so stressed out.”

...But are you?

Or are you overwhelmed? Overtired? Spread too thin?

That’s more like it.

As a society, we have grown accustomed to calling a vast range of emotions “stress”. And to a degree, that’s fair. Stress can be defined as “a feeling of emotional or physical tension as a result of a challenge or demand.” So when you’re feeling burned out, exhausted or depleted… sure, that misalignment can all fall under the umbrella of “stress”.

But leaving it at that is an utter disservice to ourselves. Calling all of our uncomfortable feelings “stress” doesn’t help us figure out where they came from or what we need to do to move on from them. It just blankets our feelings, justifying them in a socially-acceptable (dare I say, socially expected?) context.

Getting to the root of the misalignment you’re experiencing is key. 

Earlier this year, I was introduced to Dr. Susan David and her work. She wrote the book Emotional Agility, and it has really resonated with me. Dr. David’s work focuses on identifying the individual feelings you’re experiencing when you are “stressed out”. She says that doing so gives you a better understanding of your internal state.

Think about it like this; if someone approached you and said “I’m so overtired”, you would probably tell them to go take a nap. If they said  “I’m feeling overextended”, you might suggest they start saying no or offload whatever work they can.

But if someone came up to you and said “I’m stressed” … for many, I think the initial thought would probably be “Well aren’t we all? I don't know what to tell you, that’s part of life.”

When we’re feeling these uncomfortable emotions, our rational response is to try and find a resolution. This allows our body to complete the Stress Response Cycle, and move forward.

Yes, you read that right. Stress isn’t a feeling, it's a biological cycle, intrinsic in our bodies. When we’re faced with a perceived threat (emotional, physical, real or not), our bodies are thrown into fight, flight or freeze - which you may remember from middle school biology class. 

Way back, when humans were hunter-gatherers, this cycle allowed the body to react quickly to say, a bear charging. While you’re (hopefully) not at risk of being chased by a bear at the grocery store, you might find yourself in a heated disagreement with an overtired cashier about the price of mangos. Stress today is pervasive and constant, stemming from numerous sources. And every time the Stress Response Cycle is triggered, it needs to complete.

How can we do this? By specifically naming what and why we’re feeling, and moving towards a resolution that is specific to the situation.

Anxiety lives in my chest. I feel loneliness in my head, right between my eyebrows. When I’m overtired I feel it in my ankles, when I am overworked I feel in my shoulder blades. Boredom I feel in my throat, like a pill that got stuck on the way down. 

All these pieces that can make up “stress”  probably feel different in your body. Maybe your palms get sweaty, maybe your feet get cold. Whatever signal you notice first, I encourage you to listen to it. Don’t just let it sit idle in your body. Take a moment, turn inward, and follow it to its source. From there, I promise, you’ll feel more prepared to find a resolution. Even science supports this; exercise, mindfulness, and meditation have been proven to aid the body in physically completing the Stress Response Cycle.

Don’t be intimidated by my choice of words here- mindfulness simply means doing something thoughtfully. For example, maybe for you, baking your favorite dessert centers you and makes a busy day melt away. By tracking the “stress” you’re feeling on your commute home to the source, being overworked, you know that spending time in the kitchen will truly help you relax.

Now, I’m not trying to pretend that teaching ourselves to say “I’m sad” instead of  “I’m stressed” will suddenly free us of all tension and pressure. Stress, in every form, is always going to be a part of life. To a degree, I think that’s a good thing! Discomfort can be an extremely motivating force, when we feel equipped to handle it. Which is exactly what getting honest and specific about our feelings can do.